I pity the fool who don't date Barret!
by The Purple Bunny
Summary: What really went down when Barret and Cloud went on their "special date".Crackfic. Some OOCness.


Author's Note: Did you know that not only can you go on a date with Tifa and Aeris/Aerith but also Yuffie _and_ Barret? Yes, I shit you not, even Barret! …Awesome_.  
_What really went down, folks, what really went down…

* * *

Cloud quietly stood in that creepy ass room of his, such horrible Inn to stay at. But at the Gold Saucer, it was the only Inn they had. It's alright, he's tough, none of the ghost scared him-

"Hey there,""AHHH! Oh my god, leave me alone!" Cloud yelled, protecting his spiky blonde head.

"…It's just me." A giant muscular arm grabbed Cloud's shoulder.

Cloud turned to the deep voice of the Mr. T. of Final Fantasy VII. That's right, Barret.

"…"

"I was…er…just going for a walk."

"Just the two of us?" Cloud said, raising a blonde eyebrow.

"What's wrong with that!? Don't gimme no lip!! I say we go." and with that Barret left the room, hoping that Cloud would follow up.

Cloud just stood there, blinking. Then a ghost touched his hair, he screamed, and his heart jumped. Maybe going with Barret isn't such a bad idea…

The two jumped out of those weird holes things, with the rainbow rings around it, instead of using doors like normal people do.

There was a employee standing near the entrance of the Event Square where they perform for the nice people visiting and paying for such things. "Today's Enchantment Night! All the attractions are free." said the nice employee, with the rather nice cleavage…uhh…nevermind, back to the story. "How bout it you two? There's going to be an entertaining show in the Event Square."

Barret turned back to Cloud, and asked "Cloud, wanna take a peek?" So really having no choice, Cloud and Barret jumped into the hole leading to the Event Square. There, they met up with another employee, a man.

"Congratulations!" He yelled, having Cloud and Barret turned their attentions to him. "You're our 100 couple today- …wait…no you're not….sorry!" The man apologized and laughed nervously.

"What?" said Barret, getting more annoyed than he was before. "I want to see the show!"

"But…you two aren't couples!"

"Oh yeah! Well just you wait!" With that Barret dragged Cloud out of there…mintues later, he returned with a 'lady' on his side.

"I'm Barret, and this is my girlfriend, Cloud- Er…Claudia."

"…" 'Claudia' was just standing here, her mako glowing blue eyes wide, her spiky blonde hair very spiky, while her blonde piggy tails were nice and soft. If you hadn't already guessed it - this was Cloud. He was wearing the same outfit that Aeris/Aeirth had forced on him so that they could get into Don Cornelo's place to rescue Tifa.

He was wearing it again, only this time, with Barret at his side.

_I regret calling him my boyfriend back at that dirty perv's place._ Cloud thought, really hating this, and the damn pantyhose was freaking itchy.

"Oh wow!" said the employee, his jaw fell as soon as he spotted Cloud, "Your girlfriend…she's _hot._" The man gulped, "Well…you are our 100th couple today, so you can…participate in the show!" He continued to drool over Cloud, and the two could see a bulge in the man's pants. A boner. …Awkward.

The play was just starting, with some nice music to go along with it. It was a play that was to be said to set in the medieval times, yet the background was a little house, and a giant, chubby chocobo, surrounded by many little chocobo babies, in a cute meadow. The smoke coming out of the little house's chimney formed the words "GOLD SAUCER"

In came a knight, dressed in sliver armor. He kneeled down on his knee, and started to say some boring crap about the evil dragon kidnapping a princess named Rosa, and how the legendary hero, Alfred has to save her. As he said "Alfred" Barret entered the scene, and everyone clapped.

"Huh? Who are all these people!?" he said,

Then the knight said, "Oh…you must be the legendary hero…Alfred!" said the knight, while waving his head around like some dork. "I know in my soul. Please…please save Princess Rosa!" Then the knight faced the audience, moved out of the way, and bowed down. "Now…please talk to the king!" Then fat guy spinned onto the stage, who looked a lot like the king from that CD-I Zelda game, only he was wearing blue, and his hair was a lighter blonde.

"Oh…legendary hero, Alfred. You have come to save my beloved Rosa…" He said, waving his head around like a dork too. "On the peek of a dangerous mountain…dwells the Evil Dragon King, Vavaldos…who kidnapped princess Rosa!" All this shitty acting had Barret chagrined, he wished they would get on with it. The king gestured to Barret, the way those hot women gesture to cars or any other prize on those game shows. "But…you can't beat the Evil Dragon King now! Talk to the one who can help you…" That's when a wizard spinned onto the stage.

"Huh?" Barret turned to the wizard, and ran over to him.

"I am the great wizard, Vorman!" He said, "What do you wish to know?"

"What do you mean 'what do I wish to know'!?" Barret yelled, "How do defeating that goddamn dragon king!" The wizard jumped, a little frighten.

"U-um…right." The wizard cleared his throat, his voice cracky. "Ahh, the weakness of the Evil Dragon King. It must be, it must be…" The wizard was down on his knees and in a over-dramatic voice he said, "It must be True Love!" The audience gasped like if it were the most amazing thing ever!

Barret just mumbled under his breath.

"The power of love, is the only weapon that can withstand the fangs of the Evil Dragon King!" With that, the wizard stood up, and stepped aside with the knight.

After that, the narrator said, "Oh what is going to happen next!"

"Huh? Who the hell said that!?" Barret looked frantically, looking for the voice, and it continued to speak.

"Oh legendary hero, look!"

A huge mechanical dragon appeared on the stage, he was caring "Claudia" in his dragon hands. He set "Claudia" down on the floor, and he just sat there.

"ARGGGHHH!" said the dragon, "I am the Evil Dragon King…Valvados! I have not harmed the princess…I have been expecting…you!"

Then everyone waited…yet "Claudia" didn't say anything.

"…Huh? Oh…OH! Uhh…" Cloud cleared his throat and put on his best female voice which was surprisingly good(Otherwise how else was he going to fool the men back at Don's place? Unless they were really stupid…)

"Save me, legendary hero!" He said, then blinked and waited.

"Gahhh!" yelled the dragon, "Here I come, Legendary hero…uh…Alfred! I…already know your name!"

Then the wizard spoke up. "And now…legendary hero…! Here is what will happen to your beloved…" He did another over-dramatic pose that had everyone gasping again, "A kiss! It's the power of True Love!"

"Huhwha?" said Cloud/Claudia.

"A kiss. A KISS!?" Barret shouted, "I gotta kiss that foo'?!" Everyone gasped, "Uh…I mean…ok."

So then Barret walked over to Cloud, who was still sitting on the ground. Cloud had a priceless 'WTF!?' look on his face, and he was a bit scared. It was funny, you should've been there. Or maybe you were…maybe you were part of the eager crowd that was watching the play, waiting for the epic kiss, and is just not telling me. But yes, there the crowd stood, not taking their eyes off Barret, as the big man grabbed Cloud/Claudia's hand, and landed a big, wet, awkward man kiss on it.

Everyone cheered, whistled, and wooed.

Cloud and Barret both felt nauseous. The play then ended with the 'princess' and the 'legendary hero' celebrating, the knight got drunk, the wizard got high, and the king rapped a rap. The end of the play everyone passed out from alcohol poisoning(that's in the play though, they didn't really get drunk, although most of them could've used a drink)

After the show, and after Cloud ditched the cross-dressing dreads, Barret thought it would be nice to ride on the weird Gondola thing. He wanted a nice place to talk to Cloud, in private. The Gondola would be a good place to do talk.

While on the ride, the two just stared at each other. Cloud tried not to blink…Barret tried not to blink. They both stared, and tried not to blink.

…

A set of mako-filled blue eyes closed, re-opened…

"Shit."

"I win!"

Cloud frowned, a bit butt-hurt from his loss of the staring contest.

"You still got lipstick on the side of yo' lip."

"Dammit…" Cloud wiped it away, burgundy was not his color. The two continued to stare at each other, not really knowing what to say.

_Is this another staring contest? _Cloud thought, but then they made it to the top of the rail, and he really wanted to see the fireworks. Eagerly, he looked out the window of their little ride, tons of colorful fireworks exploded in the dark sky, it was cool. If Cloud were alone, he would totally cheer.

"Hey foo'. What do you want to see the fireworks with me for?" Barret asked, and Cloud turned his attention away from the little window and to his big friend.

_But __**you**__ asked __**me**__. _"Not having fun?" said Cloud,

"You should've asked one or the other!" Cloud blinked, he was a bit confused by what Barret was talking about…then he caught on. He was talking about the girls in their party.

_Again, you asked me. _"Which would you have asked?" Cloud asked,

"Oh man, there just ain't no choice!" Barret said, "Tifa, Aerith…ah! Yuffie?"

Cloud mentally face-palmed himself, "Hoo boy…" He quietly whispered to himself, yet Barret overheard anyway.

"What the hell is that suppose to mean?" Barret said, then he gasped, and got a little bit defensive. "Hey, you don't mean…Marlene?"

_What!?_ Cloud thought, he was about to explain how Barret was wrong, but the big guy didn't let him speak, who had gone into rage mode now.

"NO WAY! Forget it!" He shouted, "There ain't no way I'm lettin a wacko like you anywhere near my little Marlene." Barret looked away, crossing his big arms across his chest. "She's my baby, my prized possession."

Things got a bit awkward…now Barret thought Cloud was a pedophile…how things will be horribly wrong when they wake up the next morning. The loud fireworks still ringed in Cloud's ear, and continued to, as more exploded in the sky.

"…Marlene." Barret said, he looked out the window, watching the splash of bright lights. "Wish I could've brought Marlene here. She'd love the fireworks. Why the hell I gotta be here with a foo' like you?"

Cloud sighed, getting frustrated. _I'll say- well no, think- it once and I'll say- think, I'm thinking- it again! You. Asked. ME! _

"Shit…the more I think 'bout it, the madder I get."

_Then stop thinking about it!_

"Damn fireworks anyway…"

_I love the fireworks._

"Shut up!!" Barret pointed his machine gun-arm to the window and began to shoot bullets through it, to all the fireworks.

"Barret!" Cloud yelled, "What the hell!? Why are you shooting the fireworks, stop it!"

"Shuddap! I hate them…they're loud."

"Well, of course they are, they are- whoa-WHOA!" Inside the Gondola, Cloud struggled to push Barret's gun-arm away from the window, when he didn't realize he was leaning dangerously close to the open window. So, the funny thing happen, he fell out of the Gondola from the window!

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!" Cloud screamed, as he fell and fell…and fell some more.

"Damn." said Barret, watching Cloud fall, and hearing his scream fade within every second.

Back on the ground, Cloud slowly got up. The fall had knocked almost all the wind out of him, but it was alright, some old lady had broken his fall.

"Call…my nephew." She said, but Cloud didn't hear her. Or maybe he _could_ hear her but just chose not to, I mean, yeah.

"Hey Cloud!" Barret called, as a rush of excited kids rushed passed him. "Spiky, where are you?" After a few more walks around the Gold Saucer, Barret finally found Cloud, he was in the arcade place, playing basketball.

He missed a couple of shots, he sucked and everyone laughed at him. But it didn't matter, Cloud was already being emo over one thing.

"I'm not talking to you!" He said to Barret, he was angry cause Barret made him fall, and how he was taking his anger out at basketball.

"Shut up, foo'! It was yo' fault. You should've watched where you was going." Barret grabbed a basketball with his arm that wasn't a machine gun and threw it against Cloud's head. The ball bounced off, and Cloud pouted.

"Now come on! Let's go, I'm tried…" Barret walked out of the arcade game place, and Cloud followed,

"Ok, fine." Cloud said,

And this whole day ended, Barret and Cloud gave each other another awkward man kiss and went back to their rooms. …OK! Fine, there was no kiss except for the one back at the play, please don't tell Cloud and Barret I told you about this!…they'd kill me.

**The End!!!**


End file.
